(In keeping with a holiday tradition started last year, I will post our Christmas video here. This year, I add to the tradition by writing a warped holiday story to go with it.)
Legal Notice: This story, video and all the contents therein are purely for entertainment purposes. We are in no way affiliated with the actual Christmas, actual war, punditry, the extreme left, the extreme right, the extreme middle or any other group with any agenda other than humor. Joseph Coaler Productions did not set out to offend anyone, but sometimes, feelings get hurt. We hope it’s not yours, but if it is, we take absolutely no personal responsibility for your level of outrage.
All rights reserved.
Several years ago, little Joe Coaler started noticing a trend that he thought was interesting. People in stores began saying “Happy Holidays” starting around December 1st and going through January 1st. (Some stalwarts started saying it in late November and continued until mid-January, but little Joe thought this was a bit extreme.)
Along with the greeting came bright lights, exciting and wonderful music with moving harmonies and extravagant instrumentation. There were brightly bedecked trees that smelled of lovely pine forests, large golden Menorahs with their nine flames, choirs in festive outfits, sculptures and dioramas in different sizes of an open stable filled with amazed animals and a small child in a straw bed, and everywhere he looked he saw the same large bearded man dressed in bright red. Snow, both real, plastic and flocked, lay everywhere.
Every movie, play, television show and radio program seemed to be either about the transformation of a fellow named Ebenezer Scrooge or a large green beasty called Grinch.
And shopping. Everyone was shopping. Money was being spent in amounts that boggled his little mind. He liked his mind being boggled, it felt all tingly, so he thought that this must be a good thing. The economy could always use the influx. The moving around of wealth from one to another. It made his tiny heart glow with pride in his fellow man.
But a darkness was lurking. People started talking about a war on Christmas. First in small whispers, then with louder and more strident voices. It frightened little Joe, but he could not see who was waging this war. He looked and looked, but there was no war against the season. No war against Christmas. No war against Hanukkah. No war against Kwanzaa, which had been born to Dr. Maulena Karenga in 1966. The season seemed completely unaffected by any kind of war against it. With a little study and research, he found that the warning had been being raised almost yearly since the late 1880s, but there had never been an actual war on Christmas. Little Joe was a good capitalist and realized, where there is such a need, there is a product, so he decided to take matters into his own hands.
The War On Christmas is being waged by Joseph Coaler Productions.
Joseph Coaler Productions is the brainchild of Steve Mancini and Geoff Hoff. It’s a problem child, of course.
Geoff and Steve have written the highly-touted, critically-acclaimed, laugh-out-loud-funny, satirical-serial novel, Weeping Willow and they’re currently writing the knee-slapping-hilarious, widely-popular, sure-to-be-a-legend, online-series, Poor Paul. They’re also exceptionally humble and despise hyphen abuse.
Happy Holidays to all and to all a good nightcap!
(Video first posted on http://www.WageWarOnChristmas.com in December, 2008.)
Geoff Hoff is co-author of the best selling satirical novel Weeping Willow: Welcome to River Bend
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