Once upon a time there were usury laws, which limited the amount of interest an institution (or Vinnie from down the block) could charge on a loan. South Dakota decided a good way to attract some business to their state was to do away with such inconvenient laws. Vinnie moved to South Dakota and set up business. Credit card interest rates went from a high of 10 and 12% to a high of 30 and 40%. Birds sang and small forest animals romped in the South Dakota Chambers of Commerce. Ranting bloggers mixed their metaphors.
I just received a very elegant looking letter in the mail, “You’re Pre-Qualified for an unsecured personal loan of $500 to $3,000!” from the good folks at Brookwood Loans (a MetaBank company.) Wow. Cool. In looking over their offer, I notice several wonderful benefits, very well presented in their well written sales letter: Approval in 24 hours; Money the same day; Manageable payments; No Prepayment penalty and Fixed simple interest rate. And they make it very, very simple, log on, enter the code from the bottom of the letter, fill out your information and submit your request. “It’s just that easy!” they say in bold text. That is easy, I can hardly wait to get my money.
Then I read the exciting news under the “Fixed Simple Interest Rate” section: “Your rate of interest will not change. Loans have an APR of 96%.”
Wait, what?
96%?
I actually had to read it three times before it registered as anything besides a misprint or a joke. 96%? Are they insane? And they list this in bold as if it were a good thing for their customers. (Emphasis not added.) And they actually have higher rates for approval applicants that choose their manual loan funding process, whatever that may be.
Vinnie must be visibly palpitating with orgiastic glee while doing the Snoopy dance all over South Dakota.
That means if you borrow $1,000 on a 36 month loan, by the time it’s done you will have paid back $3072.24. As the song goes, nice work if you can get it. Where is that carpenter who tumbled the building all over the money changers when you really need him?
I hope no poor, desperate fool falls for this scam, although I know there are all too many out there who will never realize they now owe their soul to the company store, which is run by Vinnie in his $5,000 dollar Armani suit and diamond encrusted pinky ring. The address listed for the bank is a P.O. box. I’m not surprised, they’re obviously too smart to want anyone actually knowing where their offices are.
I hope Brookwood and MetaBank fall into a pit somewhere and dissolve into useful molecular components such as nitrogen that can be used to replenish our ravished farmlands or do some other actual good on the planet. I hope Vinnie realizes loansharking will only end in tears and enters the clergy where the only harm he can do is to small children.
So, no thank you, Brookwood, I decline your kind offer of a loan. I’m good.
Hmmm. Maybe I should move to South Dakota.
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Geoff Hoff is co-author of the best selling satirical novel Weeping Willow: Welcome to River Bend
